How can I regain my spouse's trust after an emotional affair?

More than a year ago, my wife and I were going through tough times. We rarely had sex -- one gap was over a year -- and I felt she had completely disappeared into her role as a mother. While I respected her being a great mother, there's more to life than that. I expressed my frustrations to her, and even warned that we could end up breaking up if there wasn't something more to our relationship.





I don't think she ever took it seriously. She refused to go to couple's therapy because she said that's what people do when they want an excuse to divorce. While this was going on, I started developing a friendship with a woman at work. It became an intense friendship, although nothing physical. One night when we were traveling together, and I had had a few drinks, I told her how unhappy I was in my marriage and asked if there was any chance that we could end up together if I ended up divorced. I told her I didn't want an affair -- just if I became available, so to speak. She said no -- she wasn't going to be the reason my family broke up. A week or so later, I drafted an email to this woman that described how she had turned me down, how much I still wanted her, and how I wanted to still be close to her even if it was just as friends/co-workers. That was the gist of the email, but the language of the email was a wee bit over the top. After I wrote it, I re-read it, and decided I couldn't send this email and never sent it.





Over the next few months, this woman and I stopped interacting and grew pretty cool to each other. I was focusing on strengthening my marriage and while things were far from perfect, they were improving. Fast-forward a year, things between my wife and I are much improved, I'm really looking forward to the future with her. Then she discovers this draft email that I never sent but forgot to erase from my computer.





She's crushed and wants to end the marriage. I'm not sure that's serious or an off-the-cuff reaction, but I'm lost about what to do.How can I regain my spouse's trust after an emotional affair?
Taking out of context I can understand why your wife is upset, but it's nothing to destroy your marriage about. I think you need to explain to her what you were going through for a while (from the sounds of it) she was too busy to think about your emotional and physical needs in the relationship. Your wife needs re-assurance of your love for her at this time. I really hope you work it out - good luck! I mean ask her: 'Do you love me that little that we can't work through such a small thing?' I mean if you look at the big picture, your family life and happiness are so much more important than some doubts about your relationship that you felt over a year ago.How can I regain my spouse's trust after an emotional affair?
accept your mistake and let what ever needs to happen, happen
This is partially situational. Every relationship we have provides us with the opportunity to learn a lesson about ourselves and life. It has to be put into context of your life as it was at the time. What is important is what you learned and the fact that sexually, you didn't cross the line. Your wife has to account for her part in creating the situation. Whatever her issue was at the time also has to be taken into account. No one is 100% innocent, yet no one is 100% guilty either.





Your wife misunderstands the purpose of marriage counselling. It provides a safe place to discuss feelings and also helps the couple to learn new relationship coping skills and insights. i was a professional counsellor for ten years and most of my work was done with couples where one partner was in recovery from an addiction.





My suggestion is that you lead by example. Go to counselling for yourself and see if that is enough to prompt her to join you. Often times if one person in the marriage starts a new path of personal growth, these new skills are brought back into the marriage. It works if you want it to.





Even if your marriage finally ends up in dissolution, you will still be able to benefit from the added skills and insights that counselling can and will provide.
You chose your wife....that should say a lot. You didn't send the letter, just got the emotional blues off your chest.





You are going to have to be squeeky clean to get her trust back. It may take awhile...give her time and understanding.





She's in a tough spot and so are you.
Let me get this straight....instead of possibly leaving the marriage and/or divorcing (since she obviously didn't want any part in counseling or anything and you verbally expressed your displeasure) you chose to have an emotional affair on the side ????...





You do realize this is an ENTIRELY different can of worms you've opened right? Has nothing to do with what you initially had issues with. If anything you've made it worse.





Time to REALLY go see the counselor now..good luck with that one.
I really don't want to judge you...I wasn't there and I don't know what for sure was going on. But if you really want to be with your wife-you need to prove to her that she is the only one that you want to be with. Don't lie. Tell her that you wrote that when things were in a rock with the two of you. Men and women are so much different from each other. But one thing we do have in common is that we do have feelings. We might express them different, but they are still there.


Tell your wife that you will do anything you can to win her heart back. Truthfully if you did not physically cheat, then you should not feel to guilty. Yeah, you did feel something for someone else, but that was for a moment. If you do still feel something for that woman, then you need to look in the mirrow and ask yourself if you think your wife deserves better.


Yes there are kids in the pitchure, but one of you is not happy then it won't work!


I hate to tell you, though: if your wife said it is over then I really don't think that she is going to stay.
';Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day


You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way


Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town


Waiting for someone or something to show you the way';





The title of the song is the only thing that will allow your wife to heal. Give her space. Stay faithful to her. She'll get over it.
You're such a clich茅. My wife won't have sex with me, so I start looking for another woman's support. Why didn't you just get a divorce? I wouldn't have stayed married to someone who wouldn't have sex with me for a year.





Anyway, you become transparent. You are always where you say you will be and when. You check in often and always when there's a change of plan. You acknowledge to her that all of this is your fault, and you take responsibility for your feelings and bad behavior. You never blame her. You do all of this until she feels better. All of this is about the EA. None of it fixes the fact that your wife won't have sex with you, so that's another problem that needs to be addressed. You have to do it without blaming her, though.
Tell her you wrote while you were still very emotional about the whole ordeal and after you wrote it you read it and didn't like what you read and never sent it to her.


It was after you wrote that, that you realized you didn't really care about this other women but was living in a fantasy and that is when you resolved to come home and work on your marriage.





And do not be an emasculate pussy.


You do blame her. She was not upholding her vows either.


She was not faultless.
There is really no quick fix for this. You do deserve a thunk in the side of the head for leaving that draft around. You might want to get a copy of the book Divorce Busting. Divorce Busting works wonders for things like this.


It sounds like an off the cuff, but, serious action. At least you know where her thoughts are. Give her space. Don't push arguing about this with her. Be very honest with her. Accept her distrust of you and be ready to be held very open and accountable. Be very understanding when she speaks, vents, or gets angry with you. I wouldn't pick this as a time to defend your actions.